My Friend Group's Chat App Never Stops

My gay friend group has a group chat. There are 847 unread messages. Nobody remembers what any of it was about.

My phone buzzes. Again. It's our friend group app. Six gay guys, one chat, zero peace.

The app is called The Ladies. Someone thought it was hilarious back in 2019. We've been stuck with it ever since.

The day starts early

At seven-thirty, Bas posts a photo of his breakfast. Avocado. Always avocado.

Mark reacts with a fire emoji. Mark reacts to everything with a fire emoji. Even bad news.

Then Thomas drops a Grindr screenshot. Someone called him 'daddy'. Thomas is 29. Apparently we need to discuss this.

Around lunchtime, things get serious. Someone's having it out with their boyfriend. Or their boss. Or their hairdresser.

We dispense advice. Loads of it. Contradictory advice.

'Dump him,' Kevin says. Kevin always says 'dump him'. Kevin's been single for seven years.

'Talk it through,' Jeroen suggests. Jeroen's a therapist. Jeroen's also single.

I usually just send a gif. Safer that way.

After six o'clock, the chat turns into a fitting room. Outfit photos fly back and forth.

'Shirt tucked in or out?'

'These shoes or those?'

'Is this too much?'

The answer to that last one is always no. We're not the kind of friends who hold back. We're the kind who push forward.

Bas asks if his glasses go with his shirt. He owns one pair of glasses. This conversation takes forty minutes.

Come Friday, we try to make plans. This is the hardest part of the week.

Mark can't make it until late. Thomas has a date. Kevin is 'taking a break'. Jeroen's working late.

Bas suggests a date in March. It's November.

Eventually two of us grab a drink. Always the same two. Never the two who actually suggested it.

Sometimes I dream of a day without notifications. An app-free afternoon. A quiet phone.

Then it buzzes. Thomas matched with someone. His name is Thomas too.

'Is that allowed?' Thomas asks.

Mark sends a fire emoji. Kevin says 'dump him'. Jeroen starts analyzing.

Bas posts a photo of his dinner. Avocado.

And me? I smile at my phone. Because honestly, I'd never mute this app. Six gay guys, one chat, and absolutely zero chance of boredom.

All those notifications are really just people saying: I'm thinking of you. With a fire emoji attached. Or an avocado.